We Will Never Be As Young As We Are Tonight
Although it seems cliche to live in the moment, I find it somewhat rewarding when I make rash decisions. I am not entirely sure if I am the person that exudes freedom and the "don't give a care" attitude, but I've noticed that lately I am trying to fit that persona. I've missed out on a lot just being stressed over the reality of a situation, rather than just accepting the overall outcome. I may interpret this feeling as building a myth for myself, thinking that I will find realization in things by just making spur of the moment decisions. Looking back on these decisions, and using them to write my own narrative, myth is merely recognized as a determined "reflection", as the writer Roland Barthes explains in Image-Music-Text. Maybe it is time to accept the myth of the situation rather than the reality.
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Jump into the unknown.
I sometimes feel like a fish out of water. Completely unaware of my new surroundings, I have to sit back and observe the new motions. My fresh eyes are twitching incessantly, taking in all that needs to be observed. I feel like an outsider, but appreciate a new perspective. I am usually starving to get out of the normalcy of everyday life, but afraid to dive into something new. As cliche as it sounds I need to just jump. Jump into the unknown, and witness a new horizon. Maybe it is a good thing to escape the fishbowl of expected existence.
I know places we can go.
I am not usually the person to be easily taken aback by something.
Yet I was consumed by the awe in front of me.
It is the unknown pleasures that I appreciate the most. For instance I could have stared at that same spot every day and never stop to take in the wonderment. My daily routine consisted of running in front of the Dali museum, most of the time I barely glanced over at the building, just pushing past trying to get to the end. I now realize that something I have aesthetically taken for granted, is something I find the most solitude in.
I am always searching, yet where I felt like I belonged the most was where I came from. Always trying to push away from what is comfortable, I finally just accepted that this is a good place to take things in and admire the feeling.
So blinded by our own selfish pursuits we never relish the beauty that is here.
The beauty in the salty air. The beauty of togetherness. The beauty of belonging to something much bigger than ourselves. I know places to go where I am part of something. My own Jes Grew movement that I can be a part of. I am entranced by this feeling of belonging to something.
you will never come close to how I feel.
It was the perfect way to clear my head. The thoughts that consumed me were wearing thin as I accelerated. The car was literally the vessel I needed to propel myself into nirvana. Although it was another cliche maneuver, driving away from the stress that trapped me was the perfect escape. Without over thinking what I should be doing instead, I just kept accelerating looking to the open highway ahead. I had no clue what made me want to just drive away. I wasn’t sure if it was the weather, music, or just the simple solitude that made me blissful. I am also not sure if it was the idea of "California dreaming" that had me antsy, but the pleasure in escaping in the most simple way possible was satisfying enough. Traveling with fresh eyes, being awakened to something new. No one will ever come close to how I felt that day when I shifted gears.
As cliche as it may seem, it was a summer of immense possibilities, but I wasn’t taking advantage of that. I am not sure if it was the extreme boredom of the hot June month that made me feel sluggish and insecure, but I just could not seem to move forward with any positivity. At that time I really wasn’t pondering where should I go to grad school? How many classes should I take in the fall? Or more importantly who will hire me after I graduate in May? It was incredible to notice how much I did not care about any of those questions, I had a burned out attitude towards any subject that would ultimately propel me closer to a career I was working for my entire life. Whether I was just less active or insecure, I couldn’t shove the “I really don’t care” feeling that this generation simply stood for.
That summer the only time I would plan a trip was to see a nuance garage punk band in the back of a warehouse versus visiting my estranged sister who lives out of state. I had no idea why but the music filtering through the mediocre speakers on my laptop was just not good enough. I felt like an indentured traveler at that point, not giving any of my time to a real issue, but just a servant to artists that I only knew at earshot.
The image that I decided to connect to my writing aesthetic was a product of that lazy summer, it was a photograph taken at the Pitchfork Music Festival in Chicago, a place that I had never ventured to until that weekend.
The crowd of people didn’t frighten me into a claustrophobic episode, instead it arose so many questions. It was then that all those same questions that I put off the month before concerning my future filtered back into my head with urgency. My mind was a wasteland until that moment, I quickly realized maturity only adjusts when I wanted it too. The atmosphere, the cuisine, the people, it was all different interactions than what I had at home in Florida, giving me inspiration to explore more.
This image was a collection of all the insecure feelings I had at the beginning of the summer but summed up into what is the bigger picture? What I may think is significant in order for my life to progress can absolutely not be crucial to the person standing next to me? For once it allowed me to realize that following the guidelines of what I may think is accurate for happiness and success isn’t really what I should be focusing on. I do not need to look for inspiration to write at grad school but rather be inspired by the most uncanny events. It was in that clump of people that I realized the most interesting pieces of writing that I can compose come from the most unexpected events.
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